And this is me.
The final day of 2016. The year that I lost my way. I started this year as one woman, and I complete the year as a very different one. I found my way back home.
I’m not sure words are enough to fully express what this year has done to me. Or if they ever will be. But that’s ok.
The lessons? So many soul-shattering, challenging, beautiful lessons.
I learnt to forgive, with love.
I learnt to let go, and feel the freedom that space creates.
I learnt to dive deeper into the centre of my own creativity.
I learnt that what you focus on expands – in both the negative and positive.
I learnt the power and privilege it is to be a woman (something I am looking forward to exploring more next year).
I learnt that when I say yes, when I actually really want to say no – I am only betraying myself.
I learnt to trust my own intuition (a hard, but necessary lesson).
I learnt that I truly, completely am enough.
I found myself distracted for most of this year. I felt pain, and loss, and loneliness. And there were so many times when I questioned the person that I was. Old patterns repeated, and the temptation to change myself to fit in where all too enticing at times. Every step backwards took me further away from where I wanted to be.
But what I realised is that when I send another version of myself out into the world (what Glennon Doyle Melton calls, your “representative”) – life loses meaning. It becomes stale, shallow and uninspiring. What kind of life is that? Something had to shift.
When our values are being compromised, when what we truly want seems to get further and further away, it’s time to get our hands dirty and make some big changes.
2016 required me to rise. Rise with strength and softness. With light and dark. To be whole, and vulnerable, and open. To create space when needed. To align with JOY.
I learnt that when I truly follow the things that make me happy, life flows effortlessly. I believe that’s what it is all about.
I learnt that the real me, the one who loves freely, who nurtures, who connects, who grows – she is the only one who can truly enlighten me.
Despite all the books, the teachings, the lectures – it has to come from deep within me. That it’s ok to question and to continue seeking. That the world needs to make sense for me. It needs to feel right for me and me only. That we are all going to have our own version of the rules, and that’s ok.
I’d heard it before, but this year I truly understood that what I was seeking, was within me all along (and my goodness, does that feel good!).
Am I going to fly freely through the next year? Gosh no! There’s always going to be new challenges, and little reminders of what really matters. We will continue to receive gentle (and sometimes not so gentle!) nudges to stay on our right path. But as Ronan Keating sings, “Life is a rollercoaster baby, just got to ride it.” 😉
I know it’s been a rough year for so many, but I feel I need to look at the goodness too. There’s always goodness too. And every road block, every tear, every loss – all brought me to where I am today. I was required to stretch.
Growing can be painful, but every lesson brought me closer to the true essence of who I am. And amongst the lessons? There was laughter, and adventure, and travel, and play, and happiness, and love. So much love. Growth can also be quite spectacular.
It’s easy to close the book of 2016 and wish for it to be firmly shut. But I will look back on it with love.
It is all as it should be.
As for my intentions for 2017? That’s another post all together.
Happy New Year to you, beautiful. May the year ahead be filled with love, laughter and spectacular moments of growth (and a little magic too!).