“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
– MAYA ANGELOU
Stop and start. And again… times a few hundred.
An old story that has weaved its way though my life, and one that I wholeheartedly want to (and need to) rewrite.
Today isn’t the first day of a new year. Or a new month. Or even a new week. It’s just a run of the mill Tuesday. But I’m starting today. Because now is as good a time as any. And I’m done with waiting for “the perfect time”.
Writing is important to me. It doesn’t really matter if no one reads what I write, or even if right now it’s any good. What matters is that I’m doing it. When I sit down and tap away on my keyboard, something feels aligned in my world. I feel purpose-filled, creative, empowered. It’s a feeling that has in the past terrified me, because stepping out of your comfort zone and reaching towards something that really is important to your entire being is ridiculously scary.
But the satisfaction I get from this needs to come first. Hitting publish needs to the priority, rather than perfection. If we want to become better at something, we practice (I tell my kids that all the time!). So here I am, practising.
Showing up. For myself, for my intentions, and for my creativity.
I’ve tried going the nonchalant “I’ll write when the creativity hits me” angle. But let’s be honest, it hasn’t really got me anywhere. The only thing that came from that attitude was an A+ in procrastination. I need a little accountability.
I’ve tried perfectionism too. “I’ll write when my blog looks perfect, or when I have a really amazing theme to write about consistently, or when I have the perfect image to compliment my words.” Again, it just made my feet sink further into the ground. I was stuck instead of inspired.
Grand statements aren’t really my thing either. If I’m honest, it’s partly because I am afraid that once I make them, I won’t honour them (stop, start, stop again).
So, Amelia, just write and see what comes of it… and perhaps don’t make a habit of talking in the third person.
I’m not here to make bold declarations, or be perfect, or win any awards for my words. I just want to write, and share. Connection is important to me. And we powerfully connect though sharing our stories, our musings, and our anecdotes. It doesn’t have to be earth-shattering to be a story that matters.
I’ll be honest, there is a very, very big part of me that wants to delete all my old blog posts and start afresh. There are posts that are no longer aligned with my values, posts that feel too “preachy”, and posts where I just know I’m trying too hard. But there are also some that hold pieces of my heart. Words that I strung together through deep vulnerability or during times that I have grown significantly as a woman.
That’s life, she’s one epic learning curve. We evolve, we change, we grow. We are entitled to change our minds. And if anything, this blog and it’s old content is a reflection of that. It’s my history. So despite the cringe-factor, the old posts will stay.
I miss blogging. I miss sharing. I miss documenting times in my life that feel important. My little piece of the internet. My online time capsule.
Perfection and procrastination aren’t my story. And they certainly won’t be in the year to come. I’m just going to write.
No fancy themes or labels or expectations around what this needs to be. Just me, my keyboard, and my words.
Yes, I want to make changes to the look and feel of this space (and write an entirely new About Me page), but that will come. I won’t allow that to be yet another excuse.
Ultimately, I don’t want 2019 to be another year where “I wish I…”
Doing. Writing. Creating. The time is now for me.
I am changing my story.
And finally… because I do need accountability… 2 blog posts a week. Let’s try that on for size, shall we?
There. I said it. Now it’s time to believe in my ability to see this through.